Joke for the Day. (Page 2)

Comrade_
Comrade_:
"Jesus loves you."

Nice to hear in a church.
Frightening to hear in a Mexican prison.
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harlett
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Serabi
Serabi:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

My favorite.
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Hyenablood
Hyenablood: love the sword one - those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't, classic !!
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Serabi
Serabi:

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his gran, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: Bwaaaahaha.....dragons in the kitchen!

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harlett
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: Harlett, that photo skeers me.
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FlashW
FlashW: When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
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Serabi
Serabi: The Cape Times (Cape Town)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential' said Jackie Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg , "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he
replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for Eskom."
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OCD_OCD
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Serabi
Serabi: IRISH COFFEE?

An Irish woman, of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance.” she said. “He won't even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem.” replied the doctor. “Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh faith, goodness gracious me! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely! With one sweep of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?”

“Fook me, no no no, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But, sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in Mugg 'n Bean again!”
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Serabi
Serabi:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

.
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harlett
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Serabi
Serabi: She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

When they ate a clown they said he tasted funny.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Psycho rapist runs away from crime: Nut, screws and bolts.
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harlett
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: Sue, a calm, respectable and understanding lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

Sue replied, "I need it to poison my husband Phil."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You C A N N O T have any cyanide!"

Sue reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Phil in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: This is one of my favorites.....


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, grandfather is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William , we won't be long . .. . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay, William , just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and grandfather says again in a controlled voice, " William , William , relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William ."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin ."

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Serabi
Serabi: Brilliant! Most mothers can empathise!
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Hyenablood
Hyenablood: lol, I can totally see that happening too !!
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harlett
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Serabi
Serabi:

Four friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night.
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OCD_OCD
OCD_OCD: hahahahahahaha!
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Serabi
Serabi:

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes.'
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