Female friends

Neanderthal Gangsta: This message is to men:

You know how some men in the workplace say fucked up things like they don't want to give a high-ranking position to a female because what if she gets married / pregnant and quits?

Yeah fucked up, but the reason they say that is because they want to invest in someone who is going to stick around.

Well, I don't feel that way about women in the workplace. But I do feel that way about women as friends. I feel like if I invest time in become friends with someone, male or female, I don't want it to abruptly end, whether they are male or female, to no fault of my own. But many women are willing to end a friendship simply because their boyfriend or their husband doesn't want them to have male friends.

Are all women like that? No. But some are, and they are unapologetic about it.

They are so unapologetic that they won't hide it. It's a badge of honor. The good new: that means you can find out which ones they are ahead of time. That will ensure you invest less in their friendship with you. I am not saying don't be friends, but just keep it more casual and assume they could disappear at any moment.

Yeah, that's fucked up, but that's really your only option.

So men: if you have a female friend. And I mean, just a friend, find out if she's the type who will stop being friends with you once she gets married or is in a serious relationship. Chances are she's not the type. But if she is, then you may want to think about that this friend of yours may decide to drop you and not wince.

JUSTINappr0priateMan: This is true with guys too. They marry a girl that does everything in her power to dwindle all his friendships away and set him up with new friends that suite her needs in the relationship. I've lost 3 or 4 good friends that I hung out with every day since grade school to selfish spouses.

Neanderthal Gangsta: Justin, I've never experienced that. What is their rationale?

JUSTINappr0priateMan: Idk I'm talking best friends here. It always starts as them only hanging out with the friends in our group that are in relationships. All these couples nights start to happen. Then eventually those will stop and you never hear from them. They don't answer your calls and you give up on them. 6 months to a year later you get a cheesy impersonal message on facebook that you respond to with a heart felt I miss you lets hang out I want to meet your new kid. Only to recieve no reply from. This is not a singular event for me.

JUSTINappr0priateMan: My latest friend that I don't talk to anymore is even stranger, because his spouse loved me coming over and would always be inviting me to dinner. Then one day it just changed. Every time Id go fishing or something with him we would come home to his wife throwing a fit about it. It would get so unpleasent that I stopped coming over because I felt unwelcome. Only seeing him when he could get a hall pass out. Now he doesn't even answer my calls.

Ozymandias_: Yeah I've had guy friends before who didn't want them having a lot of female friends so they're like "yeah sorry I can't really hang out or talk or anything." Like fuck take your balls out of her purse, shit. Any real or good relationship can withstand platonic interference from the other sex. If your significant other thinks you can't POSSIBLY ever be friends with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay) then you need to find someone else. They don't really love you, and trying to keep you for themselves is only going to end up driving you away (I mean if you're a sane, independent person. I dunno about all those crazies)

Neanderthal Gangsta: Adri, but that's not really the best solution because it's a little too late at that point. If you're friends with a guy, and he tells you you can't be friends anymore, then it's too late because you've already invested the time. What I'm saying is, before you invest the time with someone forming a friendship, find out what if that's what they're gonna do. They know already. They will tell you.

Demoness: Very wise. I feel the same. If I take the time to get to know someone, they better not just drop me because they found love. When I make friends I saw something in that person I liked. If you are gonna throw it back at me, just tell me right away. Save me the effort

PuppYofDoom: never had that issue..,. all my female friends say i steal their bfs. and unfortunately all my female friends who was alone with or went out alone with sorta.. jumped meh. only friends i have are the ones who never had a chance cuz we didnt spend time or remained physically distant. ... so...
the ones online? no im too respectful and fun. dont have it happen. never talk dirty dont flirt, dont flirt dirty.

MacaroniInThePot: If your partner isn't comfortable with you having platonic relationships with members of the other sex, then that's a sign of insecurity and immaturity. One of my best friend's boyfriend is like that. The dude doesn't even want her talking to females. It's honestly sad. It's junior high bullshit. You should be comfortable enough in your own relationship to not worry about these things. Even if you don't trust other people ... just trust your partner.

PuppYofDoom: i dunno avery. sometimes theres ppl who flirt alot. who wants men around that your gf flirted with or possibly had more than platonic. girls lie guys lie.. but ya know.. some ppl keep strings around as their friends. i dont.only have two friends around that we messed about 10 years ago nearly.
Well if other ppl matter more than your partner at that point. someone doesnt love their partner either.. but yeah theres a line most ppl shoudlnt cross.. and friends should make efforts to be friends with someones gf/bf.. otherwise they have their own motives.

WillemDafoesJunk: I'm Enemy of the State to every new female that comes around.

Neanderthal Gangsta: Averie, saying people shouldn't be that way, or attempting to characterize why they are like that is useless. What's useful is to understand how to spot them and avoid them.

Luckycharms12: I've always had more guy friends than girl friends and some of them have been in relationships where they disappear for periods of time because their gf doesn't want them to hang out. It's like they fall off the face of the earth until they're single again. More of my guy friends do this than my girlfriends.

Neanderthal Gangsta: LuckyCharms, I think the point of your post seems to be that my statement is not limited to women, but men do the same thing. Okay, fair enough. But that's really missing the point. it's not whether women do this, and men don't. The point is, it happens, and the people who do that think it's okay. If you look at it from the point of view of the impact it has on your friends, then the story changes quite a bit.

Luckycharms12: It doesn't matter who does it, man or woman, it still sucks.

PHRIENDLY_PREDATOR: I've been on all sides of this spectrum. I had started to invest in time with a guy who started giving me hassle everytime I made plans with my friends (female or otherwise). Clearly he overstepped his bounds and I don't even talk to him.
I recently lost a friendship with a male who quite literally called me to tell me his girlfriend does not want us being friends so "you understand don't you?" and that was that though he still calls and I'm still like "what do you want?".
Then there are the female friends that disappear. I have one life long childhood friend that does this and now I just keep her as a casual acquaintance. Every time she is in a relationship the joke among my friends when she disappears is that "she has a new boyfriend". She quite literally deletes all of her online social networking and when that relationship is over reactivates and starts contacting everyone with "I miss you!"
I have just quite literally stopped responding to her because I don't want to be her "weekend relationship warrior" to get her through the times she is too insecure to be alone.
Bottom line I'm with Kenny. Learn to find these people before you start caring for them. You will be less disappointed and hurt.
Good indicator is that if whenever you ask to make plans with them (male or female) and all they want to do is couples things that's a red flag. If they cannot make plans with just the girls or just the guys or hang 1:1 with the opposite sex without it being platonic? Red flag.
If they cannot have relationships with the opposite sex and they find it odd you can? Red flag.
If they don't think its appropriate for you a female or male to have friendships with your friends significant other/spouse - red flag.
If you are a female and you have a big group of male friends and they have a problem with that? Red flag.
If they claim that they don't get along with females? Probably a red flag (though I feel like some women say this to just make it sound like they are so hot and desireable that other women can't stand it).

Ok this is getting long so I'm going to stop.

Neanderthal Gangsta: Phran, that's a great response. Thought provoking. Thank you.

To others: I feel like if I had made this post more gender-neutral, my point would have come across more succinctly. Up to this point, everyone seems to be thinking the point is that women do this, and men don't. I'm a man, so I am speaking from my point of view.

Here's a twist, would you date someone who doesn't think you should be friends with someone of the opposite sex?

If the answer is no, then what if they are only okay with you being friends with people of the opposite sex if you knew them already, but you cannot make new friends of the opposite sex? Would you still date them?

PHRIENDLY_PREDATOR: Good question. I dated a guy for 5 years who was pretty old school. I mean with the way I dressed when I went out (he would hide some of my shorter skirts) and there would be a fight when I hungout with some of my guy friends.
Bottom line is that I did (and do) love him and I also loved my friends and didn't feel ok with getting rid of them. In addition, he didn't like my wardrobe after we were together yet he loved it when I wasn't "his".
Eventually my stubbornness did find a happy medium where I feel like I "trained" him.

I didn't give up on my friends, I didn't change my wardrobe and I continued to make male friends. Actually at one point when I went to Montreal for a weekend I told him about this dude I made friends with from there and that we were going to go to a basketball game. I knew that bothered him but at that point he already trusted me and loved me and realized I wasn't going to do anything.

Point being - I think a lot of these restrictions on who you can be friends with does stem from insecurity. Perhaps a good conversation with your spouse is to discuss why this bothers them and what are they afraid of? It would take time to put their fears to rest as this is the only way they know how to think or believe.

If you're a trustworthy moral person there should be no problem. And if they continue to not trust you..I think the question begs...what are they guilty of or have been?

It's not always that black and white but people you love are worth fighting for (and with) and this goes for friends or significant others.

It's important to note that your friends (hopefully) will always be there for you.

Neanderthal Gangsta:
What if there's peer pressure. It's not just when you're a teen, there's immense culture peer pressure when you're an adult as well. A guy may be 100% convinced that you'd never cheat on him, but feel like it's an insult if you're hanging out with other male friends 'cause of what his friends might say, "man, i'd never let *my* woman hang out with a guy. 'cause you know all men are dogs.". The implication there is that they are more masculine and more in control of their woman than he is.

And for those who are ready to prove that women do the same thing. Yes, I know. you can switch the genders around in this example as well.

PHRIENDLY_PREDATOR: Actually the guy in the relationship example I used above that I dated for 5 years hung out with all dudes who were dogs. They were disgusting untrustworthy guys (not all of them) who were not comfortable with "their women" hanging out with other guys or anybody but them (including females). And when he'd go to Simon's house for example for a gathering with the boys where Simon's girl would host and serve drinks/food and be the "good little woman" the guys would always give him shit about the fact that I'd be out partying or out of town or whatever. The "good little woman" would act shocked that we hung out separate from each other.

He was comfortable in knowing that if I went partying with my friends when I came home he'd be the one I'd be looking for to have sex with. He knew that he would not have baby momma drama with me and other females. No ex of mine would be searching for him to settle some score. In other words? Let them talk. At the end of the day we had way less drama and stayed together 8x as long as his friends did with their spouses and we are still friends.

Transparency and confidence with and for your partner.

Your good friends should be able to understand that.

PuppYofDoom: ^ what the hell?!

coooookies: I think it's about trust. If you're with someone and they don't want you to be friends with the opposite sex, that shows a lack of trust and insecurity on their part. If they can't trust me then why would I be in a relationship with them? I would try and talk to them about it first but I certainly wouldn't give up my friends for them.

Being with someone is about loving them for who they are. If you're going to be with someone and immediately start making demands that they change who they are by limiting who they hang out with, that's not love. That is control.

If you have issues because of past relationships, that is for you to deal with. I am a new person, new relationship and it should re-set. I won't be punished because of other people doing you wrong. I am not those other people.

As far as trying to avoid people like this? I don't know that you can tell right off the bat. Though the points that Phran made are really good indicators. You may not know right away because people are usually on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship but you should soon be able to figure it out.

The only time I disagree with people being friends with the opposite sex is if that person is an ex lover/spouse. I truly feel that you cannot go from knowing someone intimately to 'just friends'. You cannot go from knowing everything about them and knowing what they look like naked and how they like intimacy to holding just a casual conversation. Can't go from being completely entwined to just on the surface. I'm sure some people have figured it out and there's no issues but that's not majority in my experience.