Dark Jokes (Page 10)

~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Daddy's car in the woods...


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!


Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
(Edited by ~LoisLane~)
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning
and while checking up on a man I asked . . . “So how's
your breakfast this morning?”
“It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste.” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
packet labeled KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said .... 'I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing
so hard .... 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
lols
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder
this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!”

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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: (not sure if I have put this one up before...)

A woman from New York was driving througha remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and

offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the

Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it

echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local

service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and
rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the

service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on

the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the

saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: The story of the chicken and horse....


On this farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched
for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the
shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his ‘hangy-down thingy’
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Christmas Golf......


Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”


Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.


The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”


Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”


Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”


They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.


“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.


I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! it’s a great morning for sex or golf ‘ and she said, “Take a sweater..”
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: (not really dark but cute.)


Paddy and Mary were recently attending church services.

About halfway through, Mary took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a

note and handed it to Paddy.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis , SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'


The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's ‘bout as far as I got, too.
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Corwin
Corwin: LMFAOOO!!
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.


While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is

his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's
head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.


HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and

HE even pays the monthly dues!"


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.


He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"


The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A Canadian Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Halifax . The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading Canada !"


The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops, he gets back on the loud haler and says,

"Just the four of you?"

The Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A woman screamed at her husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!"

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned to her and replied "So now you want me to stay?"


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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Dad to son

A boy comes home from school at 7pm.

His dad says "where were you?"

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were studying."

After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are great."

Dad replies, "Wash your hands son--------------they're donuts."



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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
One evening President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine. They chose to go for a casual dinner at a nearby restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a short, animated conversation with the owner.

Following that, Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her.

She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

Obama then said: " Oh, so, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."


To which Michelle responded:

"No, if I had married him, he would now be the President."



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ColonelKusanagi
ColonelKusanagi: that last one is a new spin on a hillary quote. allegedly they stopped by her home town and her highschool sweetheart was the proud owner of a gas station and the same exchange takes place.
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LiptonCambell
LiptonCambell: ^^^Not true

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/marriedhim.asp


"While the earliest Obama versions of this tale appear to date to late 2010, the story itself has been around much longer, and has been applied to numerous U.S. Presidents and their wives over the years.

Bill and Hillary Clinton versions have been noted as far back as 1993. This version was posted online in March 2002"

The website goes onto say the same story has been told for both Laura Bush and Barbara Bush as well, as well as a New York Mayor and a CEO

It's just a nifty story- but none of them are "quotes", because, as far as that website can find, no evidence of anyone actually saying any of that actually exist...
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out the window!"
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000 .....please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: 70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Corwin
Corwin: Ha ha ha ha..... Very funny Deb... stop telling people of our personal lives.

I haven't peed in the fridge for at least a week.... you said I was getting better.
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: LMAO! I knew you'd find that joke particularly funny!

I found one more I have to post...

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims,"I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
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Corwin
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