Dark Jokes (Page 8)

~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.


'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'


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Corwin
Corwin: LOL!! Good one, Lois.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word......


His buddies at the club are all aghast.


At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'


Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'


They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.


'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'


Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

lols




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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they

no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'


A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Simple Truth....

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
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Corwin
Corwin: Oooohhh.... That's bad... LOL.

I'll give it a thumbs up anyway.... it IS funny.
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Corwin
Corwin: Okay.... I'm overdue....

Q: What's the difference between unloading a load of bricks, and a load of road-kill...

A: You can't use a pitch-fork on the load of bricks.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: lols
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Corwin
Corwin: Well... you asked for it. LOL

This is "dark" jokes, no?
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: It sure is....
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Wild__
Wild__: What do you do when the kitchen light goes out?

Make her do the dishes in the dark.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Condom Slogans...

Cover your stump before you hump

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

Don't be silly, protect your willy

When in doubt, shroud your spout

Don't be a loner, cover your boner

haha
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Wild__
Wild__: Why do Mikr Tyson's eyes turn red after sex?

Pepper spray will do that.
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Corwin
Corwin: I have plenty more... I worry about being deleted.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Nahhhh its "Dark Jokes" dude I am sure people enter at own risk . Have you read some of the ones on the other pages....hahaha not like there from any of us or anything but some are brutal ...

lols @ pepper spray, Your thooooooe bad...

”Hey Tyson, here’s something you’ll never hear: Great tattoo!” hahaha
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:



From a teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A Hamas terrorist had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.

It got so bad that his camel died of
thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing
his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered
that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may
be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and
out popped a genie . BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie
appeared to be a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat,
black hat, side curls, and tzitzits.

'Vell kid,' said the genie , 'you know how it voiks. You got three vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott'y a you got to lose? Looks to me like you're a gonner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the
genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * P O O F * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen
and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare old gold coins and precious gems. 'Okay kid, you got just vone
more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me !'

********POOF************

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab terrorist doing business with a Jewish genie,
there's going to be a string attached.




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Corwin
Corwin: Oooooooooooohhhh!!!!
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Corwin
Corwin: Okay.... this is a very old one, but still a good one. And on the outside chance that you haven't heard it.....

A guy finds a genie bottle, yada yada yada, and gets three wishes.
But the genie has a catch... he tells him "What ever I give you, you're ex-wife will get double"

He says no problem.... his first wish was for a billion dollars... but his ex now had two billion. His next wish was to be famous and important... his ex was now twice as famous and twice as important.

The genie asked him "Isn't your ex-wife's greater fame and wealth always going to be like a thorn in your side?"

He said "Not at all.... for my last wish, I want you to beat me half-to-death"

(ba doom tsssshhhh)
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^lols...
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Not sure if I have put this one up before.....





This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."


She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."


"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."
(Edited by ~LoisLane~)
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cinderfreakinella
cinderfreakinella: Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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cinderfreakinella
cinderfreakinella: Blonde Shoots Herself
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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LiptonCambell
LiptonCambell: Corvin, that joke was told by Ricky Gervais's character on the simpsons, season 17 episode 15(i tried to find a youtube video of it)

I couldn't even read that joke without hearing Gervais's voice.....God that man is funny...
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator." "Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator." “ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

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