Dark Jokes (Page 7)

~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: An Arab enters a taxi cab in Tennessee..........

Once he is seated he orders the cab driver to "turn off the radio because he
must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the
prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is
music of the ... ... infidel's and certainly no radio" ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to > the side,
stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?"

The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get your Arab ass out and wait for a camel."

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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Not sure if I have put this one up before....

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
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Wild__
Wild__:

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Register – First Day At School....


Register on the first day back at school in Small Heath, Birmingham
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
lols
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Wild__
Wild__: Thank you Lois for NOT posting a joke that makes me puke!

I used to like grilled cheese sandwhiches.
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Wild__
Wild__: Wrong Email Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!
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Wild__
Wild__:

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.
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Wild__
Wild__:

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.
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Wild__
Wild__:

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found’er! I found da girl I’ms gonna marry, and she’s even a virgin!”

Now while this might impress the males in some families, it irritated and upset the father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There ain’t no way you’ll marry that that thar girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure’s hell ain’t good enough fer ours!”
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
THE FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE!


A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
lols



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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: DONATIONS



A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Don Valley Expressway.


Nothing was moving.


Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.


The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in Gas and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations."


"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.




The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they
need at home.

1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nuthin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs
something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a
Muslim,

I remember Dad saying,"Well, that's the last fucking thing we
need."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist...

The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,��� she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That” s right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Three Kings.......


Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"


DRIN-KING
SMO-KING
FUC-KING
lols


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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Golf panties.....


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy ye rself up a bit.'

lols
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”




What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!




A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had sex his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they had sex with my wife after only five beers!”



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Corwin
Corwin: Q: How do you make a dead raccoon float?

A: One dead raccoon.... two scoops of ice-cream.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'




The preacher fainted!..
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Not sure if this one is already in here....Its tame anyway.


A Newfie had two red ears, and so went to the doctor. The doctor asked the Newfie what happened to the ears?

'Well, I was ironing me shirt and the phone rang . . . and instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up me iron and . . .
stuck it to me ear.'

"Oh Dear!" The doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But . . . that doesn't explain the other red ear. What happened to your other ear?"

'Lord tunderin' Jesus, the son-of-a-bitch called back.'
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Corwin
Corwin: What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: HOW TO INSTALL A RURAL SASKATCHEWAN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM



1. Go to Canadian Tire and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,


Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.



Cooter




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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my c*ck.
.... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”



I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.



Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.
I got locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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