Dark Jokes

LiptonCambell
LiptonCambell: Come on people, lets keep this within forum rules- just post 1 dark joke;

Do homeless people get knock knock jokes?
2 years ago Report
1
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^lols thats terrible^^ mine isnt soo bad.


A zookeeper goes to the gorilla cage to see his gorilla.

He decides to teach the gorilla some words, so he points to his eye. "Eye," said the zookeeper.

The gorilla pulled out its big arse hand and slaps that zookeeper upside the head.

The gorilla picks up the zookeeper and slams him onto all the rails. The gorilla finally dumps the zookeeper's bloody and beaten body outside the cage.

"What the f*ck was that?" asked the zookeeper.

"Don't do that," said one of the workers, when you point to your eye, that means 'F*ck you' in gorilla language.

The zookeeper goes back to the gorilla cage and holds a pickle up to pants. He then takes out a knife and chops up the pickle. "Do what I do," said the man, he gave the knife to the gorilla to see if it would chop its dick off.


The gorilla pointed to his eye.


2 years ago Report
2
Kaotic_J
Kaotic_J: Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's Ebonics homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence:

1. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

2. Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

6. Israel
Tito tried to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?

14. Dictate
My girfriend say my dictate good.

15. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey the tits on that ho!"

16. Axe
After school today, the police want to axe me some questions.

17. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."

18. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
2 years ago Report
1
harlett
(Post deleted by harlett 2 years ago)
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^Ooooooo^^ hahaha

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was the Cup Final.
A journalist noticed the empty seat and asked the man sitting beside it:
-why is this seat empty?
-Thats's my wifes seat, replied the man.
-Then why isn't she here?
-She died last week, replied the man.
-I'm sorry to hear that, said the reporter, but you could have found a friend to come with you today.
-No, repied the man, they're all at the funeral ...
2 years ago Report
2
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: I just Edited this for the Non PC version of it....

A baby Harp Seal walks into a bar and says "Gimme a Canadian Club on the rocks...
(Edited by ~LoisLane~)
2 years ago Report
2
Kaotic_J
Kaotic_J: Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
2 years ago Report
1
Kaotic_J
Kaotic_J: How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
2 years ago Report
4
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: LOLS.....Not nice

Two sailors are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by heartless natives. "You have a choice," says the island king to the first sailor. "Instantaneous Death or Chee-Chee." The first sailor gulps. "I choose Chee-Chee" he says. There is a loud gong. "You have chosen Chee-Chee," announces the king, and two large, sword-wielding men appear, chop off the sailor's arms, disembowel and skin him, and leave him in a steaming bloody heap to die. "You have a choice," says the king to the second sailor. "Instantaneous Death or Chee-Chee." The second sailor is pale and sweating. "I guess I'll take Instantaneous Death," he says. There is another loud gong. "You have chosen Instantaneous Death" says the king. "But first, Chee-Chee!"

2 years ago Report
1
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: I know I am going to hell for these but.......



Leper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. Bartender pours him one, sets it down, then turns his back and wretches. Tries to keep it quiet, not to hurt the guy's feelings, but still.

The leper hears this and offers to pay and leave. "No, buddy, I'm sorry," the bartender says, "Please stay. You're fine.

So the leper sips his beer and starts to relax, when he notices the bartender glancing his way and clearly struggling not to vomit. Once again he tries to pay and leave, and once again the bartender won't let him.

When it happens a third time, the leper insists, "Look, I'm clearly making you sick, so just let me pay and get out of here."

"Buddy, I told you, you're not making me sick," the bartender replies. "It's the guy next to you dipping his tortilla chips into your arm."..


*Pukes*....
2 years ago Report
1
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Drunk walks into his neighborhood bar-grinnin' from ear to ear. Barkeep says "what are you so happy about?" Drunk replies "well, last night I was walkin home after closing, along the tracks like I always do but THIS time I found a woman tied to the tracks, just like in them old movies." I untied her and took her home and we had sex ALL NIGHT LONG...on the bed...on the table...on the floor...on the KITCHEN COUNTER!!!" bartender says "You lucky bastard, was she beautiful?" Drunk says "I dunno...never did find her head"

lols
(Edited by ~LoisLane~)
2 years ago Report
1
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man. They get to talking and the second man says, "You know, this bar has a really unique feature."
"Oh?" says the first man, "What's that?"
"Well, the way the air currents loop around the building, you can jump off the roof and float down to the street unharmed."
"Bullshit," says the first man, "I don't believe you."
"I'll show you," says the second man.
So they go up to the roof and sure enough, the second man jumps off and gently, gently floats to the ground.
"That's amazing!" shouts the first man, "I have to try that!" And he jumps off the roof, hits the street and dies.
The second man walks back into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Superman, you sure are a mean ass drunk."

lols
2 years ago Report
0
harlett
harlett: AHHHH @LOIS...that leper one.. left me feeling quee -zee .....
2 years ago Report
1
harlett
(Post deleted by harlett 2 years ago)
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^Omg hahaha ......
Dude I can barely even look at that leper one without feeling chunks rising LOLS....


A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.

The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news." "What?" "Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
2 years ago Report
2
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: God forgive me.........


What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby? You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.....


What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?.... Christopher Walken.(terrible!!!!)
2 years ago Report
2
harlett
harlett: sorry but i am lol at the christopher .....jokes
2 years ago Report
0
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^Meanie^^ hahaha I cant even believe I put that one up...its one of those...Ha Ha Ha OOOOO's , You know.....Like this one from Charlie sheens roast........

"The only reason Charlie Sheen even has a career is because God hates Michael J Fox.....
(Thats just awful )...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic and dangerous to children. The other holds groceries.
2 years ago Report
3
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Definite trip to hell joke..........

A kidnapper was dragging a kid into the woods when the kid says, "Mister, these woods are really scary." The kidnapper says, "Yeah, I know. And I have to walk out all alone."
2 years ago Report
2
lavendar_star
lavendar_star: @Lois, you do have dark sense of humour but they are funny.
2 years ago Report
0
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: ^^

It's late 2003, and the new Iraqi Minister of Information has assembled all 89 Saddam body doubles following the Baghdad invasion.

"I have some good news and some bad news for you all," he says.

"The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs."

The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other.

"The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
2 years ago Report
1
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country
road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory
of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure
of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third
wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your
second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from
everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "Is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie laughs.

"What's so funny?", asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."
2 years ago Report
1
harlett
harlett: Lois... i can't pass the kidnapper.. i am still ...omg LOL......
2 years ago Report
0
harlett
harlett: For LOIS

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?

A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
2 years ago Report
0
harlett
(Post deleted by harlett 2 years ago)
~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: lols@ Harlett, the leper one I still cant get over.....(barfs)......and OMG @ that other one...Thats just terrible (sniffs....) ........At least OJ is in Jail now thats about the only thing I can say....*Gets carpet ready for magic ride to hell,,,,,,,,


A 10 pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad.
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," the soldier replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
2 years ago Report
1
Page: 12345678910 ... Last
Follow 
You are subscribed to updates for this conversation. Unfollow
Share

Similar Conversations

USE MY LAST WORD Abbreviations Frenzy!! Yes or No game. 4 Letter Word Game Domino