A Loving Introduction to BDSM -- The myth is that it’s abusive. Actually it’s about trust and communication.

master-mistress-sub-slave
Master_Wolfman: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm
11 years ago Report
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sweet_p_
sweet_p_: good points, Sir
11 years ago Report
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: Mmm for some reason I cannot access it;would love to know what it said.
10 years ago Report
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pinkedden
pinkedden: What a good article. Thank You for sharing it
10 years ago Report
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chokhma
chokhma: The vanilla community could learn something from D/s about trust and communication.
10 years ago Report
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Comandante FiLTH
Comandante FiLTH: Chokhma, a person doesn't need to be into D/s to know about trust and communication. It is done in each level (friendship/relationship) without the need for an informal/formal contract. Nothing to 'learn' there.
10 years ago Report
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: Unfortunately people have no clue as how to communicate in either vanilla or D/s relationships...it's taking the time to get to know them and understand yourself before anyone can commit to any depth.
10 years ago Report
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smaccaroni
smaccaroni: I think communication is decliing no matter where or what type of relationships we have.
After all, look at how we are "talking" to each other on here, by just typing words into a computer screen with no face to face contact. Next we will all be texting each other...OH wait we already do. We now have to schedule meals together just to sit and talk about our day. No tv on, no phones, no games at table, an odd concept in todays world....
10 years ago Report
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pinkedden
pinkedden: i think technology has enhanced communication, my family all live overseas and text messages and skype has made me feel closer to them, as for wire, i am a single mother who cannot always visit friends so it gave me adult company ~ it has just been a bonus to me that i have made some good friends
i ensure my kids and i all sit down to dinner together, it is unfortunate that we live in a faster paced life that we used to, however i can remember racing home as a teenager and "scoffiing" down my dinner so i could go back out with my mates ~ often a dinner plate was left for me after everyone else has eaten.
i think communication depends on who you are talking with, there are some people on wire i have been able to talk to about issues that i could not bring myself to talk to anyone IRL ~ the faceless writing has helped me in many a way
10 years ago Report
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uglybetty1
uglybetty1: i totally agree with your ast comment. I myself have also had people open up to me amd discuss issues which are 'ultra-personal"....but beloeve it or not, it is sometimes easier to discuss your fears and troubes with strangers, as opposed to ;oved ones and friends.
It you are not looking for a romantic hook-up or best friend, it os a pretty leisurey place to shoot the breeze...
10 years ago Report
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Master_Wolfman
Master_Wolfman: For Those Who Cannot Or Have Not Read ...
10 years ago Report
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Master_Wolfman
Master_Wolfman:
A Loving Introduction to BDSM

The myth is that it’s abusive. Actually it’s about trust and communication.

Published on June 15, 2012 by Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex in
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In the child’s game, Trust Me, one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way.

It’s About Trust

BDSM is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains! Actually it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.

There are several terms for BDSM: power-play or domination-submission (D/s) because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally; sado-masochism (SM), which involves spanking, flogging or other types of intense sensation; and bondage and discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.
Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.

DeSade and Sacher-Masoch

Ancient Greek art depicts BDSM. The Kama Sutra (300 A.D,) touts erotic spanking, and European references date from the 15th century. But BDSM flowered during the 18th century, when some European brothels began specializing in restraint, flagellation and other “punishments” that “dominant” women meted out to willingly “submissive” men.

In 1791 the French Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) published the first SM novel, Justine, which included whipping, flogging, nipple clamping, and restraints. His name gave us “sadism.” DeSade was imprisoned for criminal insanity, one reason many people consider the sexual practices he popularized crazy.

In 1870, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), published the novel, Venus in Furs, about male sexual submission. His name inspired “masochism.”

In 1905, Freud coined the word, “sadomasochism,” calling its enjoyment neurotic. The original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I, 1952) classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” DSM-II (1968) did the same for masochism. DSM-IV (1994) lists SM as a psychiatric disorder.

Just Another Way to Play

But all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect—except that they find conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate. Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”

Two to 3 percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around 20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.

There are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.

Never Abusive

If you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.

But what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people who are perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts, punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse” gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel exhilarated.

Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed by ethical, nurturing dominants (“doms” or “tops, ), BDSM is never abusive.

“It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.” When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully controlled with the submissive (“sub” or “bottom”) specifying limits clearly beforehand.

Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure. “They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”
“Safe” Words

BDSM is more theatrical than real. Sessions are called “scenes” and participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance.

First, participants agree on a “safe” word, a stop signal that the sub can invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action—at least until the players have discussed the reason the bottom invoked it, and have mutually agree to resume. A popular safe word is “red light.”

Some terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t” because both tops and bottoms often enjoy having subs “beg” tops to “stop,” secure in the knowledge that they won’t.

Any top who fails to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the bottom’s trust and destroys the relationship. Tops who fail to honor safe words are ostracized from the BDSM community.

Subs Are in Charge

Although bottoms feign subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal, and tops vow to obey immediately. Meanwhile, tops act dominant, but they must also be caring and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic intensity.

Learning the Ropes

Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs.

It takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play. Wiseman says that before every scene, players must negotiate all aspects of it, from the players to safe words to everyone’s limits.

How to Begin

First decide if you're more into S&M or B&D. If the former, then spanking is the way many people begin. If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun.

What Is Intimacy?

Relationship authorities define intimacy as clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication. But many people equate “intimacy” and “sex.” To be intimate is to be sexual and visa versa. Only it isn’t. It’s quite possible to be sexual with a person you hardly know, the “perfect stranger.”

Most couples don’t discuss their lovemaking very much, which diminishes its intimacy. But BDSM absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion. Players must plan every aspect of their scenes beforehand and evaluate them afterward. Many BDSM aficionados say that pre-scene discussions are as intimate, erotic, and relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy occasional power play but who are not exclusively into BDSM often remark that it enhances their non-BDSM “vanilla” sex because the practice they get negotiating scenes makes it easier to discuss other aspects of their sexuality. The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person. Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex—no matter how you play.

(Edited by Master_Wolfman)
10 years ago Report
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jbananaz234
jbananaz234: Interesting reading... hmmmmnnn I agree trust and communication is essential to any successful intimate relationship, regardless of the "label" attached to it. And hopefully that leads to open exploration of each others sensuality and sexuality....
(Edited by jbananaz234)
10 years ago Report
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DastardlyD
DastardlyD: Very interesting...
10 years ago Report
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Boating Cpl
Boating Cpl: I agree jbananaz234.......we were married for 14 years before the communication was good enough to learn what each other was really thinking.....then the exploring really started
9 years ago Report
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HisDream7
HisDream7: I really liked that reading..thanks for sharing..
9 years ago Report
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