Something I wrote a while back, apt then, now not so much but i like it....
Posted August 24 2008 (5 days ago) 09:43 AM
Dreamland. Mounds of love puddings created from globules of dust and flesh and magpies. Yesterday’s donuts melting in the snow. Crates and crates of them, left to rot with once used soap and coffee grounds.
Nails scrape down my back, my arm muscles wrench and the wilderness opens up from between my legs. Lions and tigers and bears, I say. The rains fall. No life there. Emptiness surrounds the fullness and the scratchy lead writes my name in the clouds. Thousands of lost children; hopping from one to the other, choosing and being chosen. Fears and doubts in the white skies; no diamonds, just the earth for us to wonder upon. Wonder and dream. Dream and wonder. Lost but found, never fully realised. Spoken out loud in a quiet voice. Beauty on the outside, ugly on the inside, peeking through. Useless mind never used. Empty soul lying in a ditch, abandoned, crucified. Justified. Self made prison. Footsteps never wrong, peter out amongst the grounds. Retrieved in regret.
Heartbeat creaking same rhythm. Choices I never had. Decisions I never wanted to make. Given freely, too freely.
Inside me, thinking, belonging. Layer upon layer, emotive layer. Live it, don’t be it. Chinese poison in my veins. Mixed up challenges. Temples pounding in relief. Icky hook, hangnail in my sides, catching, pulling but walking on. No stopping, looking, pausing for infinity, waiting not to be seen. Version 0.1. Façade. Never quite sure, real or not. Binds. Preoccupied.
Anger like a steaming pile. Digging in deep rooted wants to lash out, trash things. Release. I release you. I forgive you, everyone of me.
Psychodrama. Fear of becoming what I fear and becoming it anyway cos not confronting the issue. Anger in my head, cutting me off at the throat, withholding my power. Coiled tight in chest, arms, legs and c***. Bridge is down. Swinging and falling.
NO MORE
I feel the words slipping down my throat like thick liquid. Lining my throat like jelly.
Truth.
Here I am.
This is me.
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